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The Sunday Times STYLE magazine is a weekly guide to everything that’s gone wrong with Western civilisation.

Welcome, fellow fashionista. Here's the StyleWatch archive from January 2010.




January 31, 2010
 

Most risible trend
Sporty trousers. What a ridiculous phrase. (“Are you ready, dear?” “Not quite, darling, I can’t find my sporty trousers.”) Style says: “Always wear with heels.” So basically, you’re oxymoronically advising women to wear joggy bots with high heels. Ha ha HA! 


 


Trend of the week
“IVF MANIA: How we’ve all gone procreation mad,” says the front cover, turning the personal tragedy of infertility into some jolly wheeze, as you administer your daily hormone injections with tears of mirth streaming down your pale cheeks.

 
Most overpriced shit
“Leather shorts are the must-have,” squeaks some tit on the fashion desk. Yeah, they’re all wearing them in Haiti this season. Tit. Leather shorts are a must-have only for sado-masochists and the Hitler Youth. These, by someone called Rika, cost 450. At that price, the leather is presumably from pandas, or from people.

 
Fair warning
There’s a dangerous new strain of It-girl in London, according to this fashion-shoot-masquerading-as-social-trend.  They come in four sub-species: Eco-bunny, Euro-socialista, Creative Assistant and Art Poseur. If you see any of them, shoot them in the face.

Fraud of the week
Style’s astrologer is called Shelley Von Strunckel. I bet she wears leather shorts. According to Shelley, this week I am "rigid with anxiety." No. I'm not. 

 

Psst! Shelley! Love your work! You FUCKING CHARLATAN!




January 24, 2010

Most overpriced shit
When you wear this, people will momentarily think you’ve been shot in the head, and this is the burst of blood and brains leaving the exit wound. Then they'll realise it’s just a horrible headband by Bonoit Missolin. When they find out it cost 130, they'll wish you really had been shot. 

 

Tragic fashion victim #1
Jesus Christ. I mean, what are you? Man, woman... or beast? Oh, hang on. You're just a twat.

 

Tragic fashion victim #2
Viktor & Rolf designed this hideous dress. I’m assuming that Viktor ripped the wing off a dead albatross, and then Rolf dipped it in antifreeze.

 

Laziest editorial call
A sensible mumsy piece about wearing the right bra, teamed with pictures, taken from another magazine, of chubby girls wearing fashions designed for bulimics. The words and pictures don’t go together. Ah, but readers won’t notice, will they? They’re stupid.

 

Accident waiting to happen
Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen, a scarily cold-eyed 16-year-old, pictured here looking at the world through a lense marked 'fabulous slutty disdain'. Burnt out by 18, rehab by 19, fat and washed up by 23.


January 17, 2010

Most pointless celebrity
Cover girl Daisy Lowe, a model and aspiring actress. Never heard of her. It’s not clear what her talent is, exactly. She’s only middlingly attractive. She uses the word ‘like’, like, a lot. She's famous because she's the daughter of someone called Pearl Lowe, who seemingly spent the 90s hauling herself off the cocks of actors/ rockstars just long enough to get some heroin from the bathroom, leaving a sticky trail along the way.

 
Most overpriced shit
Horrible sofa by Cristian Zuzunaga, who is possibly a designer, or maybe a pre-school child who’s spent too much time with his face pressed against the telly. It costs 8,663, which should be enough to pay for corrective eye surgery.

Imaginary trend
The Cougar. All middle-aged women are sleeping with men half their age, apparently. Like all behaviour which society finds revolting when men do it, it’s praised as being ‘empowering’ when women do it. Well done.

Common sense dressed up as pseudoscience
Top ‘nutritionist’ (trans: charlatan) Patrick Holford says you can “generate chi” with “diakath breathing”. Or in other words, taking deep breaths calms you down, just like your gran said. 


January 10, 2010

Most overpriced shit
Look! Christian Louboutin’s made some horrible Converse trainers out of trellis. For 690. And these nasty gold boxers by Ashish are an unfeasible 270 – which doesn’t even include the teenage Ukrainian prostitute to whom they belong.

Imaginary lifestyle trend
Married women all have lovers. It’s their husbands’ fault, naturally, for being boring, unfeeling, uncaring, etc etc.

Pseudoscientific bollocks
Balance your ‘chakra’, whatever the fuck that us, with ‘washing up meditation’. “Enjoy the feeling of water on your hands; focus on the colours of the bubbles. Look at each plate or dish. You are making them shiny and new again. You are doing this as an act of love for your family or friends.” I didn’t make that up.

Most risible trend
Clear-lense glasses, for people who can see perfectly well, but are posturing twats.

 

Most queasy exploitation
A fashion shoot with Gabourey Sidibe, the elephantine star of Precious. Well, that’s the “fat” and “black” quotas ticked for the year, and it’s only January. Hurrah! Egg-white omelettes and detox shakes all round!




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